Does 'What's Your Number?' Stink as Bad as a Certain Human Male Appendage? (And 24 Other Urgent Questions)

Anna Faris (who is great) stars in a new movie called 'What's Your Number?' (which is the opposite of great). In a world that we -- as humans -- like to pretend makes sense, often we are forced to face paradoxes such as this one. But we will. Together. You and me. Right now. So, with that, here's an answer to every question that you could possibly have about a terrible movie called 'What's Your Number?' Q: How does 'What's Your Number?' start? A: Did you see 'Bridesmaids'? Q: Yes. A: It starts like that. Q: With Kristen Wiig sneaking out of bed to put on makeup first thing in the morning in order to impress Jon Hamm? A: Replace the name "Kristen Wiig" with "Anna Faris" and the name "Jon Hamm" with "Zachary Quinto." Q: Is 'What's Your Number?' the kind of movie in which the lead male character inexplicably has access to his city's professional sports team's arena? A: Yes. Q: Have you ever been more befuddled by the plot of a movie more than 'What's Your Number?' A: Maybe by 'Mulholland Drive.' Maybe. Q: So 'What's Your Number?' is equally as confusing as 'Mulholland Drive'? A: For different reasons, yes. Honestly, I can't think of another movie where the central plot made less sense than in 'What's Your Number.' From the aspect of, "No human being who doesn't need to be institutionalized would ever do the things that Anna Farris does in this movie." Q: What makes so little sense about 'What's Your Number?' A: Anna Farris plays Ally, a woman who, after reading a magazine article that claims the average woman sleeps with 10 partners in her lifetime, stresses out about her number, which is 20. So her plan consists of tracking down her ex-lovers in order to make one of them her husband so that her number does not go up any higher. Q: Wait, what? A: Because the article mentions that women whose number goes over 20 are very unlikely to marry. Q: This is the plot for an entire movie? In theaters? A: Also, in the second scene of the movie, she gets fired. Which has nothing to do with the rest of the movie other than it maybe prevents an audience member from thinking, "Hey, when does this person work?" Q: What's the furthest Ally travels in order to find one of her exes? A: Ally lives in Boston. She flies to Miami just for the sake of getting a pap smear from one of her exes (played by Thomas Lennon). Also, I should point out, this is a person who is recently unemployed. Q: When you have been unemployed, you never traveled cross-country? A: When I've been unemployed, I'm hesitant to travel cross-town because in NY City that would cost $2.25. Q: Chris Evans is in this movie. What does he do? A: Chris Evans plays Colin, a guy who is obviously so not right for Ally. I mean, he's so not right! So, so not right! PLEASE, 'What's Your Number?,' TELL ME ONCE AGAIN HOW F-CKING NOT RIGHT COLIN IS FOR ALLY -- BECAUSE I DIDN'T QUITE CATCH THAT THE FIRST 35 TIMES! Q: So Colin turns out to be right for Ally after all? A: F-ck off. Q: What is Colin's purpose in 'What's Your Number?,' other than to be not right for Ally? A: Colin plays Ally's neighbor who, like Ally, has sex with a lot of other human beings. Colin also casually mentions that his father is a police officer, so he knows how to track people down. This will come in handy for Ally later in this movie! Q: So, while tracking down Ally's exes, does Collin start to fall for Ally? A: Seriously, f-ck off. Q: On a scale of one to ten, how much does Chris Evans not want to be in this movie judging from his onscreen body language alone? A: Nine. Q: How many scenes are there in 'What's Your Number?' of Chris Evans looking sad as he silently stares at the Boston skyline? A: Three. Q: How did the director of 'What's Your Number' motivate Chris Evans into looking so sad? A: Probably by saying, "Chris, think about the day that you signed on to be in 'What's Your Number?' Q: What's the best thing about 'What's Your Number?' A: As alluded to earlier: Anna Faris is great. Which is interesting because this may be the worst movie that I've ever seen that features a great performance by a lead actor who is in pretty much every scene. Q: What is the most poignant line spoken in 'What's Your Number?' A: When Ally, doing yet another action that no human would ever do, states, "This is bullsh-t," then admits that what's she's doing is stupid. As if the writers of the film had a catharsis by saying, "You know, if we have Ally admit that what she's doing makes no f-cking sense, perhaps the audience will go along with it." Q: What's the most awkward scene that you've ever watched in a movie in which a character sings? A: That would be Chris Evans singing 'Just What I Needed' by The Cars in 'What's Your Number?' Q: Like 'Bridesmaids,' does 'What's Your Number' prove that females can headline an R-rated raunchy comedy? A: If anything, 'What's Your Number?' proves that nobody should be headlining an R-rated raunchy comedy. Q: What thing were you least expecting to see, but you did see, during 'What's Your Number?' A: Joel McHale's taint. Q: Joel McHale is in 'What's Your Number?' A: McHale plays Ally's aforementioned former boss. A boss whose recurring gag is to reach into his pants to see if his hand, during the course of 'What's Your Number?,' smells like scrotum. Q: If you're going to be blurbed in the commercials this weekend for 'What's Your Number?' what quote do you hope to God is used? A: "'What's Your Number?' smells like scrotum!" Mike Ryan, Moviefone You can contact Mike Ryan directly on Twitter. Follow Moviefone on Twitter. Photo: Fox

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